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One of the many important contributions Alfred Adler made to the understanding of human nature is that he emphasized that all behaviour has a purpose or a goal.  According to Adler, children naturally strive to find a place for themselves in the family, a place that will enable them to feel significant.  The feeling that we are significant and that we matter is very important to our mental health.  This striving on the part of children to find a significant place for themselves is important to their health and development. 

Misbehaviour = Mistaken Ways to Feel Significant

It’s important for parents to remember that the things their children say and do are not random and haphazard.  In other words, there is a reason or purpose behind everything children do – because essentially they are striving to find a place of significance for themselves.  Understanding this purposeful or goal-directed nature of behaviour is important for parents - especially when it comes to responding to children’s misbehaviour.  Although it is natural for children to want to feel significant, oftentimes they go about striving to feel significant in ways that are essentially mistaken - engaging in what parents experience as misbehaviour.  In this sense, misbehaviour is simply a mistaken strategy that children come up with in their efforts to feel significant.

Understanding the Four Main Types of Misbehaviour

One very useful approach that can help in understanding and responding to children’s misbehaviour is to first identify the purpose or goal behind what children are saying and doing and then to provide the appropriate correction or redirection.  Once parents understand what the goal of the misbehaviour is, they are in a much better position to respond in a way that corrects the situation by redirecting the child so that his or her behaviour is more appropriate.

Using this understanding of all behaviour having a goal, Adlerian psychology divides misbehaviour into four very broad categories, according to its goal or purpose: (1) Attention-seeking, (2) Power, (3) Revenge, and (4) Pretending to be Inadequate or Helpless.

Examples of misbehaviour in which the goal is attention-getting are those instances where the child continually annoys, interrupts or disturbs others (i.e., constantly saying, “Look at me!  Look at me!”).  Misbehaviour where the goal is power includes those instances where the child tries to dominate or rebel, either through displays of anger or physical force (i.e., refusing to cooperate or hitting another).  Examples of misbehaviour where the goal is one of revenge occur when the child physically or emotionally hurts another by saying or doing something (i.e., saying “I hate you!” or damaging another’s property).  Finally, examples of misbehaviour where the child’s goal is to act as if he or she is inadequate or helpless are instances when the child refuses to even try a certain task that is quite within his or her capabilities, in order to get someone else to do it for him or her (i.e., “I can’t”).        

One of the quickest ways to determine which of these four kinds of misbehaviours a child is engaging in is for parents to notice what emotion they themselves are feeling as a result of the misbehaviour.  For instance, when parents feel annoyed in response to the misbehaviour, the goal of the misbehaviour is probably attention-getting.  If parents feel angry, then the goal of the child’s misbehaviour probably is power.  If parents feel hurt, most likely the child’s goal is revenge.  However, if parents feel frustrated and in their child’s service, then the goal of the misbehaviour is pretending to be inadequate or helpless.

Strategies for Correcting and Redirecting the Child:

When the goal of the child’s misbehaviour is attention-getting, some possible ways of correcting and redirecting the child is by:  1) ignoring the misbehaviour; 2) giving attention to the child when he or she is not demanding it; 3) remaining firm and realizing that punishing, rewarding, or bribing are actually ways of giving into the demands for attention.  Should parents observe that the goal of the misbehaviour is one of power, ways of correcting and redirecting the child is by:  1) removing themselves from the power struggle; 2) redirecting the child’s energy into cooperative activities; 3) give the child responsibilities that provide him or her with a sense of accomplishment.

If the goal of the misbehaviour is revenge, ways of correcting and redirecting the child include:  1) asking the child if he or she intended to hurt you; 2) withdrawing from the conflict; 3) win the child over by enlisting his or her cooperation.  When the goal of the misbehaviour is inadequacy or helplessness, ways of correcting and redirecting the child are:  1) demonstrating patience by letting the child know that it’s “okay if it takes him or her more time;” 2) encouraging the child by communicating that you “believe in” him or her.

This “Adlerian approach” can be helpful to parents because it enables them to better understand the dynamics that are occurring when they are confronted with misbehaviour.   It also provides some useful techniques for correcting and redirecting their child, thereby sidestepping the potential for unnecessary and often repetitive parent-child conflicts.  Some useful resources that can provide parents with more detailed tools to help them deal with children’s misbehaviour include Rudolf Dreikurs’ book, Children the Challenge, and Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew’s book, A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Motivating Children.

A friend once sent me an email he received from someone who, in a humorous way, describes some of the challenges of parenting.

“My husband and I had three children and all three of them were the most wonderfully behaved children one could ever imagine.  Each child had his or her own unique talents.  All three were excellent students, very fine athletes and they all helped out enormously with tasks around the house.  They were polite to everyone, including extended family, neighbours, teachers, friends and peers.  They were a dream to parent, and my husband and I often congratulated ourselves on what wonderful parents we must be and how we could probably write a book on parenting, or maybe even give effective parenting courses to other parents in our community.  Then, we had our fourth child, and all of a sudden, we both realized that when it came to our first three children, we had just been lucky!”

This email from a good-natured parent highlights some of the challenges parents face in raising children.  It seems that some children are easier to parent while others are much more challenging.  So how do parents effectively raise children who are not as “easy” to parent as this couples’ first three children?    

Punishment versus Influence

Much of the tension and bad feelings that occurs in families often happens as a result of well-meaning parents struggling to force their children to do all sorts of things that the children don’t want to do.  Often, when children resist doing what parents believe to be best for them, parents may resort to punishment as a way of trying to get their children to comply.

There are problems with trying to use punishment as a means of controlling our children’s behaviour.  First of all, with young children, punishment usually only works in the short-term, merely stopping misbehaviour that is occurring in the here and now.  Secondly, and most importantly, punishment usually doesn’t work very well with older children and teenagers.  Rather than redirecting and guiding children, punishment only causes more bad feelings in families. Further, it often creates a kind of emotional distance that makes communication difficult.   

It’s important that parents realize the downside of relying on control and punishment as the main ways of controlling children’s misbehaviour.  If children feel overly controlled when they are young, as they become older, they’ll probably look for ways to avoid being controlled and sometimes, may even rebel against their parents.

So, without resorting to a punishing or an authoritarian style of parenting, how can parents more effectively guide and re-direct children so that they end up making choices that are best for their health and well-being in the long-term?

Choices and Alternatives

It’s important to remember that responding to children’s misbehaviour with spanking, threatening, yelling, nagging, insulting, complaining, or bribing can lead to emotional distance and rebellion.

An effective approach is for parents to enforce only those rules that they really believe are worth enforcing:  for example, behaviours that have to do with children’s safety and well-being and the safety and well-being of others.  In other areas of life, such as types of food at meal times, it is crucial to offer children choices and alternatives 

The strongest tool parents have is their relationship with their children.  Making the best use of that relationship is the most effective way of guiding and re-directing children.  In other words, parents will have much more success if they use their influence with children rather than using their power.  Trying to control children’s behaviour through punishment very often reduces parental influence and can lead to resentment and frustration in the family. 

A good axiom to keep in mind is:  the more influence (i.e., good relationship) we have with another person, the less control (i.e., punishment) we need to use.  And the reverse also applies:  the more control (i.e., punishment) we use with another person, the less influence (i.e., good relationship) we really have with that person.

Building a strong foundation with children from the time they are very young is important.  Eventually, children become teenagers and parents need to maintain a positive and constructive relationship with them during those often challenging adolescent years.

In spite of physical appearances, teenagers are not adults and still require a great deal of guidance and encouragement from their parents.  The stronger the relationship parents build with them, the more influence they will have in discussing their teenagers’ choices.  Whatever situations teens face, it’s important for parents to be able to talk with them in an open and honest way, discussing options and alternatives.

By giving teenagers choices and using guiding and redirecting approaches to parenting, they will be more willing to listen, negotiate and cooperate.  By not imposing a controlling or authoritarian approach to in their parenting style, parents can better maximize their influence on children’s their lives when they are young, which will make the teenage years much less stressful on families.

With the arrival of a new school year, families often feel the excitement and anticipation as another phase in their children’s lives begins.  For some families though, particularly families with older children, this anticipation may also include a kind of dread, as memories of previous years’ struggles and conflicts around homework and low grades emerge.  In families with more than one child, it may often be the case that one of the children has much more difficulty with academics compared to his or her siblings.  For families with one child, it may be that he or she is not doing nearly as well academically as his or her same age relatives or peers. 

When it comes to schoolwork, parents may at times wonder if their child has a learning disorder, yet marvel at how consistent and focused their children can be when it comes to computer games, listening to music, playing sports, or socializing with their friends.  When children are able to focus and perform adequately or even excel at activities that they enjoy doing, they probably do not have a learning disorder.  What is more likely is that their experience with academics, particularly with certain subjects and/or teachers, is one in which they feel discouraged and perhaps even incapable. 

Often when parents mention to their child that their academic performance doesn’t seem to reflect his or her true capabilities, they may be met with a variety of responses from their child that contain themes of school being boring or coercive. When parents have a child who is struggling with one or more subjects, there may even be a tendency to continually remind the child about homework and the value of studying.  In fact, parents may feel that it is their duty as “responsible parents” to continually monitor and remind their children to do their schoolwork.

Of course, education is important to a child’s development.  However, it is important to keep in mind that not all children who are the same age are also at the same developmental level.  Some children begin walking or talking relatively early, while others are late bloomers.  Similarly, some children are more intellectually, athletically or artistically developed than their peers, while others seem to have more emotional maturity than their friends who are the same age.  Yet, children who may be quite different from each other developmentally speaking, are usually in the same classrooms and are expected to perform at the same academic level. The reality however, is that children in the same classroom are at different physical, intellectual and/or emotional levels and these developmental differences often become reflected in their grades.

Parents with the best of intentions, often urge their children to try harder with words like, “Come on now.  I know you can do better than that.” Yet, in developmental terms, if their child has not yet reached that particular intellectual and/or emotional level, he or she may not be able to live up to these expectations.  This, in turn, may bring on a more concerted effort on the part of parents who may eventually find they are fixating on their child’s academic performance to the exclusion of other areas of the parent-child relationship.  Their child may subsequently grow ever more frustrated and discouraged and experience a drop in self-esteem.  A downward spiral may begin in which even the mention of school becomes a discouraging and perhaps even a punishing kind of experience for the child.  When this trend continues into high school, teenagers may end up dropping out of school if the experience becomes too discouraging for them.

Of course, part of our responsibility as parents is to encourage, guide, and support our children’s education.  As parents, we also strive to help our children learn how to cooperate with others, develop a sense of independence, and struggle with adversity so as to gain a sense of accomplishment.  Although learning to struggle with adversity and solve problems is an important part of the educational process, we have to make sure that the bar is not set so high as to end up fostering discouragement and helplessness, rather than confidence and determination. 

Learning occurs best when children enjoy the process.  If a child is having a difficult time with one or more subjects, parents need to offer encouragement, support, and especially acceptance.  Parents can also explore ways with their child’s teacher of supplementing learning at home.  Finding the right balance between encouragement and acceptance of the child’s current developmental capabilities is a good way to avoid fostering discouragement.  We want to keep our children in the educational system, at least until they graduate from high school, so it’s important that school not be turned into a discouraging experience for them.

In a culture that often seems to place a premium on “Being Number One,” it’s important to remember that we don’t need to be “Super Parents” – we just need to be “Good Enough Parents.” In the words of paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, a “Good Enough” parent” is one who is “present” for the child, who is open and receptive to the child’s developmental experiences, and whose words and actions reflect the consistent message:  “What’s this like for you?” and “So what can we do about it?” This level of acceptance and encouragement allows children to have their own experience that respects where they are at developmentally, and it also supports and encourages their further progress both at school and in other areas of their lives.  

In other words, it’s more important to nurture the relationship with our children, encouraging independence, cooperation, and the willingness to struggle with adversity, than to risk discouraging children and damaging the parent-child relationship by insisting children perform better academically or complaining to them that they are not trying hard enough.  It could very well be the case that a child is not developmentally able to do any better academically.  Treating children with the same level of love and acceptance regardless of their marks will give them the support and security they need to develop their skills and abilities.  Learning is a life-long process and accepting our children’s current developmental capabilities can help ease the potential tensions of a new school year.

As parents, we hope to protect our children as much as possible.  In addition to watching out for their safety, we also teach them how to keep themselves safe by not playing with objects such as matches or cleaning solvents or by playing near traffic.  But one thing we cannot protect our children from indefinitely is the experience of loss.

Loss is the pain we experience when we lose someone or something that we cherish.  It could involve the death of a parent, sibling, grandparent, favourite aunt or uncle, or even a dearly loved pet.  These are the painful experiences that we all must face at some point in our lives and unfortunately there is no quick way to get over grieving.  Grieving is a process that is worked through over time, and it often takes months or years.  But the grieving process can also eventually moves us forward to a feeling of acceptance allowing us to integrate the loss into our lives, enabling us to live and love again with joy and optimism.

Children’s Experience of Loss

When children experience loss, their grieving process is often done in installments.  Children may show signs of intense grief for a short period of time and then suddenly, they may be able to go off and play without mentioning the loss for a few days or weeks.  Then, seemingly out of blue, they may again show signs of intense sadness and grief.  It is also common for children, and particularly for teenagers, to express their sadness and grief as anger and irritability, which often gets directed at those closest to them. 

When divorce happens in a family, children can experience a tremendous sense of loss, which may feel just as painful as the death of a loved one.  When parents divorce, children are faced with the unknown:  suddenly, the kind of family they grew up has changed dramatically, and they may feel a tremendous amount of fear, sadness and insecurity.

Caught in the Middle

Parents going through a divorce are also under an enormous amount of stress and they too, are not only grieving, but also may be experiencing intense anger at each other for what each believes to be completely justifiable reasons.  If children are drawn into these conflicts, they can end up becoming innocent bystanders caught in the parental crossfire.  When children are exposed to these parental conflicts, in addition to feeling a huge sense of loss, they find themselves faced with the confusion and fear of what is going to happen next.

Children have not yet developed emotionally to the point where they can understand these kinds of conflicts between their parents and, at the same time, remain neutral and emotionally balanced.  So in spite of how parents may feel about each other at this time, their children still need their emotional support and assurance more than ever throughout this difficult transition. 

Therefore, when parents talk to their children about the divorce they must ask themselves:  “Whose needs are really being met by what I am going to say?”  The answer of course, is that the needs of the children must come first.  Children need to feel safe and secure.  Feeling safe and secure is vital to their emotional health.

Sometimes “The Truth” Can Be Used To Harm

Even though there may be a perceived injustice that has occurred in the marriage, for the sake of children’s emotional health, parents should not burden them with the details of the marriage breakdown.  There are times when “the truth” can be used as a weapon for harm.  Therefore, parents may need to resist the impulse to vent their frustrations about each other, or use their children as a source of emotional support, or insist that their children choose sides by presenting “evidence” and “building a case” against the other parent.  This only serves to divide and poison relationships within family and may result in the grieving process being even more difficult for children that it has to be.

Helping children adapt to and integrate this enormous change in their lives is the responsibility of both parents.  Because children have a relationship with each of their parents, it is important that both of these relationships continue to be sustained and nurtured despite the conflict that is occurring between their parents.  This means that each parent must honour and respect the emotional boundary that their children have with the other parent. 

Some Don’ts

Don’t... vent to children about the other parent.

Don’t... use children as a source of emotional support.

Don’t... insist that children choose sides.

Some Do’s

Do... remind children that they are loved and that they will be taken care of.

Do... remind children that they still have both parents in their lives.

Do... support and encourage children by letting them know that life will get better.

Counselling as a Resource for Divorcing Parents

Divorcing parents can also seek out the help of a family counsellor to help support and guide them through this complex transition in their lives.  In spite of how difficult separation and divorce can be for families, the emotional anguish will not last forever.  Although divorce is a loss for the family, it can eventually be accepted as a new beginning for everyone involved. 

Each child has his or her own relationship with each parent and that relationship will continue into the future.  After separation and divorce, it is the responsibility of each parent to further nurture and develop their relationship with their children, while respecting the relationship their children has with their former spouse.  Although this may be a challenge, the benefits of this new kind of cooperation will be apparent in their children’s future emotional health.